Who remembers life before social media? Most of us moms do, but it's amazing to think that our kids do not. Of course technology advances at warped speed these days which means our kids are growing up in a world which would have been foreign to us at their age. One of the most significant changes our kids live with is the ever present social media. It has become a huge part of our culture such that it is hard for them not to experience it in some way even at a very young age. How do we manage this? That is the million dollar question! Not all adults have "given in" to the social media way of life, but I would say the majority have to some degree. It seems nearly impossible in 2024 not to be using your smart phone on a regular basis throughout the day to text, email, shop, navigate, pay bills and scroll your social media platform of choice. As soon as our children are aware of what we do, they see this...they see a phone in our hand and all that goes along with it. Even as a toddler, they will no doubt begin to recognize the act of scrolling through photos and videos on the phone which can include social media apps. So how do we protect them from the negative aspects of this pass time? At what age is it appropriate to allow them to be on these apps? How do we know they aren't finding ways around rules we may put in place? These are just a few of the questions and concerns that we face as working moms or as parents in general.
Most social media apps require users to be 13 years old, but of course there can be ways to fool the system. As we discussed in a recent blog post about screen time, many kids will have phones at the age of 10 or 11, or maybe even younger. A statistic published by the U.S. Surgeon General states that nearly 40% of kids ages 8-12 and 95% of kids 13-17 use social media apps. Eight years old??? Wow! I could not have imagined my daughters being on social media at age 8. I didn't have to worry about this 13-15 years ago when my girls were that age, but if I did, I would have definitely made them wait until they were older. There are so many concerns about safety and the affect social media has on kids' mental health and relationships.
Where to begin? This is a topic which is very open ended with many different opinions. I would like to provide some statistics and couple that with my thoughts and experience. First of all, I think there are both positive and negative aspects of social media. As a parent, it is easy to focus on the negative aspects of it with regard to our children and for good reason. I do feel that especially in the teen years, but perhaps earlier, social media becomes almost an addiction for these kids. You can see plenty of examples if you just look around at groups of kids out together interacting with their phones far more than they are interacting with each other. Social media seems to have taken the "social" out of many interactions. Without a doubt, it is the most common reason a kid will be on their phone if just hanging out with no other activities planned. It seems that FOMO (fear of missing out for those who didn't know, like me until very recently😅) is quite prevalent in this age group as well. They have a desire or even feel a strong need to know what everyone else is doing at any moment. What's the best way to find out...Instagram stories! The younger set is most commonly on Instagram, TikTok and Snapchat. Facebook is typically for us older folks, but kids may be on it too, just usually not as active. Then comes the pressure to out do others, the question of "why wasn't I invited?" if other friends are seen somewhere without you, and the disappointment if someone is doing something you are not allowed to or your family can't afford to do. It is a measuring stick that should not exist. I am not as good as, as smart as, as talented as, as pretty as..... and the list goes on. While genuine friends can applaud each others' successes and offer concern in times of need, the teenage mind in many instances is not mature enough to do that, and this becomes nothing but a who is better than who contest.
If we continue with the negative impact of social media, there are many legitimate concerns for parents, and we need to figure out ways to navigate this and have open discussions with our kids. We need to try and set some boundaries which of course can be very hard to do, especially as they get older and spend more time away from you during the school day, at after school activities and being out with friends. So what do we have to worry about other than this addiction phenomenon?
1. Body image: This may be more prevalent with girls, but I don't think it excludes boys. It is already a time of anxiety produced by puberty and changing bodies. Kids grow and develop at different rates and come in different shapes and sizes. Some are plagued by acne or being much taller or shorter than most of their peers. Add to this people posting only the best possible photos with all kinds of filters or photoshop and the problem is magnified 100 fold. Studies have shown that close to 50% of teens ages 13-17 said social media made them feel bad about their bodies and how they look. This leads to eating disorders and low self-esteem. There can be no way to measure up to these altered photos, but kids looking at them don't see it that way even though they may use some of the same filters themselves. Don't even get me started on the celebrity or influencer accounts they may follow. This distorts reality even further for the average kid. Of course it's no secret that celebrities live a much different life with lots of money and other advantages which the average kid does not have. Money and fame does not always equate to a perfect care free life for celebrities, but it is certainly perceived as such by their followers. Never before was there such easy access to the daily life of the rich and famous.
2. Cyberbullying: As if just regular bullying isn't a big enough problem, now we have to worry about what kids are saying about each other or doing to each other online. It's one thing to try and deal with harmful words or actions in person at school, a playground or sports field; but what about language, photos and videos posted on social media with the intent to harm or embarrass someone? None of it is acceptable, and it is always difficult to deal with. The younger the kids are, I firmly believe it is the parent's responsibility to step in and involve teachers, coaches, and/or the other parents to put an end to this type of behavior. As the kids get older, we walk a fine line as parents because often getting involved can make the situation worse. In this instance, you need to make sure your child has the tools to defend himself or herself and knows where to go and who to involve for help. At the end of the day, your child's safety is the most important thing whether they are 8 or 18 so don't just look the other way even if they ask you to. This is made exponentially worse online as things posted get out instantly and spread like wildfire. It has been reported that over 60% of teens admit to being exposed to or the target of hate based content. Truly unacceptable.
3. Online Predators: This is perhaps the most worrisome aspect of social media or any other type of online communication our kids are using. Unfortunately we all know there are many terrible people in this world who will prey on children and teens. People can portray a different image or identity online, and this deception can be a very scary when it comes to those who are young and vulnerable. Kids can be exploited sexually or coerced into drugs and other illegal activities. It has been reported that 6 out of 10 teen girls say they have been contacted on a social media platform by a stranger in a way that made them feel uncomfortable. We need to caution our kids to be very careful and not communicate with strangers or accept friend or follow requests from people they don't know. That alone is not a guarantee they will be safe, but it's a good start. Then we can dive into what our kids post and how much they post. They should be keeping accounts private so that anything they share is only seen by people they know and trust. Once again we can't be sure this totally prevents any problems, but I would be very wary of public accounts.
4. Viral Trends: "Go viral"...a term which is often thought of in a positive sense when someone is trying to become famous or start a business...they get that one video or reel which goes viral and then it skyrockets them into the spotlight. However, when it comes to some of the trends which become viral through social media, it can be scary. This is another thing we have to teach our kids about and make sure they understand that many of these trends or challenges can be dangerous. I had never heard of most of these until I did some research for this post, but they are truly frightening. These are just a few which have been trending on TikTok over the past few years: the blackout challenge, the benadryl challenge, the skullbreaker challenge and the fire challenge. All of these are extremely dangerous and have had devastating consequences including death in some cases. Google these and other trends if you have not heard of them and be sure to warn your kids about being drawn into this type of thing.
5. Behavior: We need to pay close attention to changes in behavior which could indicate a problem. Tween and teen years are already difficult to navigate for parents as kids start to explore more independence and outside influences. When that influence is in a digital form and harder to monitor, it just adds another layer of complexity to an already trying time. We need to attempt to differentiate a normal moody teenager from a kid who is struggling with feelings of anxiety, irritability or concentration issues due to the influences of others and/or what they are seeing on social media. This is a hard job as a parent, but it is important to stay involved and monitor your kids' behavior. Ask questions but don't pry, offer support but don't smother... be a safe place for them. That's the best we can do. Always listen and if they are not talking to you, find someone else they are willing to talk to.
So are there any good things about social media?? Of course. It can be a great way to stay connected and feel involved or at least in the know with friends and family members who you don't get to see often. It's a way to share special events and milestones. Birthdays and other celebrations or announcements are always fun to see. Social media can be a great way to remind us of some of these occasions and give us a chance to reach out to someone on their special day. It can be a way to connect with someone if you are out and about and realize they are in the same place. Like so many things, there is good and bad. I think as a parent, we have to pay very close attention to the potential for bad as our kids start to get exposed to social media, but we should also show them the good. We need to lead by example, especially when they are very young.
I use both Facebook and Instagram. I was a little late to the social media party since I didn't join Facebook until 2009. It first started in 2004. I went on right before I was to attend my 20th high school reunion. It was a lot of fun at first reconnecting with people from high school and other past chapters of my life. It did ultimately allow me to truly reunite with a few people I might not have otherwise. In general we all know the term "Facebook friend" has it's own unique definition. I can assure you that of my now 1000+ Facebook friends, only a small percentage of them are truly friends who I interact with regularly, but I will also admit that I enjoy some mindless scrolling at times and it can be fun to see what people are up to even if they are not close friends. I went on Instagram about 10 years later. It's very clear that while young people may be on FB, it's the platform more commonly used by those of us who are more mature. Instagram is where the younger people hang out (& TikToK). When I first went on IG, I did not request to follow my then 17 and 19 year old daughters. We were connected on FB, but I felt like IG was their domain, and I did not want to intrude. I was not concerned about what they were posting and didn't think they would have stuff there I shouldn't see, but nonetheless, I felt like it was okay for them to have that place just for themselves. Later on we did connect, and it was totally fine. Actually as of about 2 years ago, my younger daughter decided to go off IG and says she is happier without it. My older daughter still uses it some but neither one of my kids ever had the social media addiction that many teens develop, and I am so thankful for that.
My advice: Keep lines of communication open at all times, discuss the pros and cons of social media before your kids start using it and try not to let them start too young. Create guidelines and boundaries, keep abreast of current trends, and try to limit screen time in general. Kids are growing up way too fast...encourage them to enjoy being kids, play games (not on a screen), get outside, put the phones away and just talk and laugh together!😊
And never let this happen...
