If you have followed us for a while, you know that I raised my daughters in a three generation household with my parents. I was very fortunate to have their help since I became a single mom when I had a 2 year old and a 2 month old. We all lived together for 20 years. I went from always having roommates in college and medical school, to then living with my husband and later with the kids too (for a short while) and finally with my parents and my kids. I had never, in all my life, lived alone. When my kids went off to college, I still lived in the home we all shared with my parents for 3 more years after my youngest left. It was just 9 months ago that my parents and I sold the family home we had all enjoyed for 20 years and downsized moving into separate homes.  It was a major transition which  definitely took getting used to. We also have two dogs who live with my parents, so I am truly alone in my townhouse unless my kids come back to visit. 

I had never minded being alone, but I will say the silence was overwhelming at first. I was used to no kids for a while, but now there was no-one at all and not even a barking dog when I came through the door. This led me to immediately turn on the tv when I came in just for the noise. After a few weeks, it became my new normal, and my new routine set in. I came to enjoy the silence, especially after a long day in the office with non-stop talking to people for many hours. I did not feel lonely. I was ready for some down time. 

Knowing that I have family and friends who I can be with often, I never feel truly lonely. I can now indulge in the quiet moments and try to recharge. I love the people in my life, but I am content being by myself. At this stage, I also do not feel like I need a significant other to make my life complete. I always describe myself as "happily divorced" or "happily single". I have a fierce independent streak, and I know it would be very difficult for me to find a person who could fit into the life I have created for myself. My life is full just as it is.  Being alone is very different from being lonely...don't be lonely. Learn how to value your own company.💗

Who remembers life before social media? Most of us moms do, but it's amazing to think that our kids do not. Of course technology advances at warped speed these days which means our kids are growing up in a world which would have been foreign to us at their age. One of the most significant changes our kids live with is the ever present social media. It has become a huge part of our culture such that it is hard for them not to experience it in some way even at a very young age. How do we manage this? That is the million dollar question! Not all adults have "given in" to the social media way of life, but I would say the majority have to some degree. It seems nearly impossible in 2024  not to be using your smart phone on a regular basis throughout the day to text, email, shop, navigate, pay bills and scroll your social media platform of choice. As soon as our children are aware of what we do, they see this...they see a phone in our hand and all that goes along with it. Even as a toddler, they will no doubt begin to recognize the act of scrolling through photos and videos on the phone which can include social media apps. So how do we protect them from the negative aspects of this pass time? At what age is it appropriate to allow them to be on these apps? How do we know they aren't finding ways around rules we may put in place? These are just a few of the questions and concerns that we face as working moms or as parents in general.

Most social media apps require users to be 13 years old, but of course there can be ways to fool the system. As we discussed in a recent blog post about screen time, many kids will have phones at the age of 10 or 11, or maybe even younger. A statistic published by the U.S. Surgeon General states that nearly 40% of kids ages 8-12 and 95% of kids 13-17 use social media apps. Eight years old??? Wow! I could not have imagined my daughters being on social media at age 8. I didn't have to worry about this 13-15 years ago when my girls were that age, but if I did, I would have definitely made them wait until they were older. There are so many concerns about safety and the affect social media has on kids' mental health and relationships. 

Where to begin? This is a topic which is very open ended with many different opinions. I would like to provide some statistics and couple that with my thoughts and experience. First of all, I think there are both positive and negative aspects of social media. As a parent, it is easy to focus on the negative aspects of it with regard to our children and for good reason. I do feel that especially in the teen years, but perhaps earlier, social media becomes almost an addiction for these kids. You can see plenty of examples if you just look around at groups of kids out together interacting with their phones far more than they are interacting with each other. Social media seems to have taken the "social" out of many interactions. Without a doubt, it is the most common reason a kid will be on their phone if just hanging out with no other activities planned. It seems that FOMO (fear of missing out for those who didn't know, like me until very recently😅) is quite prevalent in this age group as well. They have a desire or even feel a strong need to know what everyone else is doing at any moment. What's the best way to find out...Instagram stories! The younger set is most commonly on Instagram, TikTok and Snapchat. Facebook is typically for us older folks, but kids may be on it too, just usually not as active. Then comes the pressure to out do others, the question of  "why wasn't I invited?" if other friends are seen somewhere without you, and the disappointment if someone is doing something you are not allowed to or your family can't afford to do. It is a measuring stick that should not exist. I am not as good as, as smart as, as talented as, as pretty as..... and the list goes on. While genuine friends can applaud each others' successes and offer concern in times of need, the teenage mind in many instances is not mature enough to do that, and this becomes nothing but a who is better than who contest. 

If we continue with the negative impact of social media, there are many legitimate concerns for parents, and we need to figure out ways to navigate this and have open discussions with our kids. We need to try and set some boundaries which of course can be very hard to do, especially as they get older and spend more time away from you during the school day, at after school activities and being out with friends. So what do we have to worry about other than this addiction phenomenon? 

1. Body image: This may be more prevalent with girls, but I don't think it excludes boys. It is already a time of anxiety produced by puberty and changing bodies. Kids grow and develop at different rates and come in different shapes and sizes.  Some are plagued by acne or being much taller or shorter than most of their peers. Add to this people posting only the best possible photos with all kinds of filters or photoshop and the problem is magnified 100 fold. Studies have shown that close to 50% of teens ages 13-17 said social media made them feel bad about their bodies and how they look. This leads to eating disorders and low self-esteem. There can be no way to measure up to these altered photos, but kids looking at them don't see it that way even though they may use some of the same filters themselves. Don't even get me started on the celebrity or influencer accounts they may follow. This distorts reality even further for the average kid. Of course it's no secret that celebrities live a much different life with lots of money and other advantages which the average kid does not have. Money and fame does not always equate to a perfect care free life for celebrities, but it is certainly perceived as such by their followers. Never before was there such easy access to the daily life of the rich and famous. 

2. Cyberbullying:  As if just regular bullying isn't a big enough problem, now we have to worry about what kids are saying about each other or doing to each other online. It's one thing to try and deal with harmful words or actions in person at school, a playground or sports field; but what about language, photos and videos posted on social media with the intent to harm or embarrass someone? None of it is acceptable, and it is always difficult to deal with. The younger the kids are, I firmly believe it is the parent's responsibility to step in and involve teachers, coaches, and/or the other parents to put an end to this type of behavior. As the kids get older, we walk a fine line as parents because often getting involved can make the situation worse. In this instance, you need to make sure your child has the tools to defend himself or herself and knows where to go and who to involve for help. At the end of the day, your child's safety is the most important thing whether they are 8 or 18 so don't just look the other way even if they ask you to. This is made exponentially worse online as things posted get out instantly and spread like wildfire. It has been reported that over 60% of teens admit to being exposed to or the target of hate based content. Truly unacceptable.

3. Online Predators:  This is perhaps the most worrisome aspect of social media or any other type of online communication our kids are using.  Unfortunately we all know there are many terrible people in this world who will prey on children and teens. People can portray a different image or identity online, and this deception can be a very scary when it comes to those who are young and vulnerable. Kids can be exploited sexually or coerced into drugs and other illegal activities. It has been reported that 6 out of 10 teen girls say they have been contacted on a social media platform by a stranger in a way that made them feel uncomfortable. We need to caution our kids to be very careful and not communicate with strangers or accept friend or follow requests from people they don't know. That alone is not a guarantee they will be safe, but it's a good start. Then we can dive into what our kids post and how much they post. They should be keeping accounts private so that anything they share is only seen by people they know and trust. Once again we can't be sure this totally prevents any problems, but I would be very wary of public accounts.

4. Viral Trends:  "Go viral"...a term which is often thought of in a positive sense when someone is trying to become famous or start a business...they get that one video or reel which goes viral and then it skyrockets them into the spotlight. However, when it comes to some of the trends which become viral through social media, it can be scary. This is another thing we have to teach our kids about and make sure they understand that many of these trends or challenges can be dangerous. I had never heard of most of these until I did some research for this post, but they are truly frightening. These are just a few which have been trending on TikTok over the past few years: the blackout challenge, the benadryl challenge, the skullbreaker challenge and the fire challenge.  All of these are extremely dangerous and have had devastating consequences including death in some cases. Google these and other trends if you have not heard of them and be sure to warn your kids about being drawn into this type of thing. 

5.  Behavior:  We need to pay close attention to changes in behavior which could indicate a problem. Tween and teen years are already difficult to navigate for parents as kids start to explore more independence and outside influences. When that influence is in a digital form and harder to monitor, it just adds another layer of complexity to an already trying time. We need to attempt to differentiate a normal moody teenager from a kid who is struggling with feelings of anxiety, irritability or concentration issues due to the influences of others and/or what they are seeing on social media. This is a hard job as a parent, but it is important to stay involved and monitor your kids' behavior. Ask questions but don't pry, offer support but don't smother... be a safe place for them. That's the best we can do. Always listen and if they are not talking to you, find someone else they are willing to talk to. 

So are there any good things about social media?? Of course. It can be a great way to stay connected and feel involved or at least in the know with friends and family members who you don't get to see often. It's a way to share special events and milestones. Birthdays and other celebrations or announcements are always fun to see. Social media can be a great way to remind us of some of these occasions and give us a chance to reach out to someone on their special day. It can be a way to connect with someone if you are out and about and realize they are in the same place. Like so many things, there is good and bad. I think as a parent, we have to pay very close attention to the potential for bad as our kids start to get exposed to social media, but we should also show them the good. We need  to lead by example, especially when they are very young. 

I use both Facebook and Instagram. I was a little late to the social media party since I didn't join Facebook until 2009. It first started in 2004. I went on right before I was to attend my 20th high school reunion. It was a lot of fun at first reconnecting with people from high school and other past chapters of my life. It did ultimately allow me to truly reunite with a few people I might not have otherwise. In general we all know the term "Facebook friend"  has it's own unique definition. I can assure you that of my now 1000+ Facebook friends, only a small percentage of them are truly friends who I interact with regularly, but I will also admit that I enjoy some mindless scrolling at times and it can be fun to see what people are up to even if they are not close friends.  I went on Instagram about 10 years later. It's very clear that while young people may be on FB, it's the platform more commonly used by those of us who are more mature. Instagram is where the younger people hang out (& TikToK). When I first went on IG, I did not request to follow my then 17 and 19 year old daughters. We were connected on FB, but I felt like IG was their domain, and I did not want to intrude. I was not concerned about what they were posting and didn't think they would have stuff there I shouldn't see, but nonetheless, I felt like it was okay for them to have that place just for themselves. Later on we did connect, and it was totally fine.  Actually as of about 2 years ago, my younger daughter decided to go off IG and says she is happier without it. My older daughter still uses it some but neither one of my kids ever had the social media addiction that many teens develop, and I am so thankful for that. 

My advice: Keep lines of communication open at all times, discuss the pros and cons of social media before your kids start using it and try not to let them start too young. Create guidelines and boundaries, keep abreast of current trends, and try to limit screen time in general. Kids are growing up way too fast...encourage them to enjoy being kids, play games (not on a screen), get outside, put the phones away and just talk and laugh together!😊

                                  And never let this happen...

We cannot deny that our phones have truly become a necessity. While many of us, including me, remember a time when there were no cell phones, not just no smartphones but actually no mobile phones. It is interesting to live through the evolution which makes this now something which is impossible to live without. It is truly incredible what we all have at our fingertips these days. It is certainly exciting for kids growing up now in a much more technologically advanced society, but it's also a little scary. We need to try and teach our kids from a young age that there is a place for this technology in our lives, but it should not be totally dominant over other ways of learning and having fun. 

There are many recommendations out there regarding what the screen time limits should be based on age groups. That's step one. Step two is parental controls. At whatever age you decide it is appropriate for your child to have a phone, you need to set limits and parameters. There are many ways to do this, and I think it's important to do some research ahead of time and figure out a plan. This is also important for their safety, since we all know there are many dangers which exist online. Of course this can be with the use of a computer or any device, but somehow seems a bit more worrisome when it is their own handheld phone. 

We can't forget the flip side to this however, which is how nice it can be to be able to reach your child or have them reach you when needed with a simple text message. It can be very reassuring to know that if your child is not with you, he or she can easily text you if there is a problem or you can text to check in. We can probably go overboard with this too as the kids get older, but still I would call this a positive aspect of the easy access allowed by phones. Who remembers using a pay phone to reach their parents?? Young kids today have barely any concept of a land line, let alone a pay phone or a phone book. Ancient history😅  We can also consider easing them into a smartphone. It could be a good plan to begin with simpler device which merely allows calls and texts depending on what age you decide to start. A smartphone upgrade could always come later. 

Whether you like the guidelines above or create something of your own, I think it makes a lot of sense to have limits in place that you try to follow. It can be very easy to stick a screen in front of even a very young child as way to calm or occupy him or her while you get things done at home or when you are running errands with them or perhaps in a social setting. There are many wonderful shows and movies which can be loaded onto a device, and this can be an  enjoyable option for kids in these situations. I see nothing wrong with that in moderation. I didn't have that option with my young kids when we were out, but certainly at home there were plenty of times when a movie or the Disney channel  was a great way to entertain them once they could safely be in front of a TV together. That was a golden opportunity for me to get some things done or even just relax and watch with them. There were very basic gaming systems when my kids were young too which provided great fun and learning opportunities. These cannot even compare to what is available today. Perhaps another area to exercise some caution.

I think advances in all of these areas are great overall, and let'e face it, inevitable; but I also think it has made parenting of younger children today more difficult.  Many of us working moms (and dads) rely heavily on our phones for work, and it can be necessary to use them often while at home for this reason. We should try to limit the use while with the kids if possible, and explain to them the difference between use for work and use just to pass the time.  

We also need not forget the camera feature which is another reason phones are ever present especially with the parents of younger kids, We want to capture every moment, and today it is super easy to do so...too easy. Don't forget to also live in the moment, because while you can have 287,000 photos to look back on from their early childhood years, you will never get those moments back. 

My advice: 

1. Protect your kids when they are young from everything including technology. 

2. Teach them how to use it appropriately and try not to get too wrapped up in it yourself. 

3. Let them explore more as they get older but keep a watchful eye, albeit from a distance.

4. Always try to live in the moment even if you can't let that photo op pass by.  

5. Never forget... they grow up way too fast.

p.s. My daughters first got iphones at ages 14 and 12. 

The older one did have a more basic phone at age 13, and then we upgraded to an iphone at 14, so her younger sister started off that same year with an iphone at age 12😉  

Seems to me like the norm is more like age 10 or even younger these days😳

When we are trying to plan a trip all together now, we are at the mercy of two work schedules, one college schedule and the fact that we live in three different states. Gone are the days when I could just take off the week of their spring break or in the summer and plan whatever we wanted to do fairly easily all leaving from and returning to the same location. Now we had to plan well in advance so both my older daughter and I could take time off from work, and we would not be interfering with the start of my younger daughter's senior year of college and the end of her summer job on campus. We were able to pick the dates and coordinate flights to arrive and depart within a half an hour of each other which was nice and helpful for transfers to and from the resort. We only had four days there, but it was wonderful quality time. 

We arrived on a Friday evening and encountered some rain on the way to the resort which was about 35 minutes from the airport. We tried to refrain from constantly checking the weather forecast for the next few days because sadly it was not good at all. Full days of rain and clouds were expected without even a glimpse of the sun😳. We were determined not to let that bother us, but truth be told, the hope was this would be a restful few days at the beach and pool enjoying plenty of sunshine. The first day was not the best, but rain was intermittent and we did spend time at the beach with three good books!

The following day we had a spa morning which was so nice. I have no photos because it was one of several times during this trip that our phones were stored away, and we just enjoyed what we were doing. Once we left the spa, the weather began to cooperate more, and we had time at both the pool and beach. Not full on sun, but better than the day before, so we were happy!

We enjoyed several different restaurants for lunch and dinner. We went to the same place for breakfast most days which had an expansive buffet and the nicest staff. Lunch and dinner options included, Mexican, Italian, French, Seafood and a Steakhouse. There were ample options for cocktails throughout the day including service at the beach and a swim up bar at the main pool.🍹

On our third day we did a planned tour to Chichén Itza. This is one of the most visited archeological sites in Mexico, and one of the seven wonders of the world. Here you see the ruins of one of the largest Mayan cities. The most famous building is the Temple of Kukulacán (El Castillo) which is the pyramid like structure pictured below. It was definitely something to see! The tour included a couple of other stops and was a full day excursion as this area is nearly three hours from the resort in Cancun. Well worth the trip! 

(p.s. weather continued to improve!)

Our final day was extra special because it was my older daughter's 23rd birthday! 🎂  Not a cloud in the sky!!☀️ The resort had some nice options to help us celebrate with flowers and champagne, and we also came with gifts from home. We had a lovely room service breakfast on the balcony of our room complete with mimosas! Moved on from there to a beautiful beach and pool day. They offered a "sip and paint" activity on the beach that afternoon which was so much fun. Artists we are not, but I will say the girls' paintings outshined mom's for sure. That evening was dinner with a birthday celebration in the restaurant thanks to the amazing staff. The grand finale was a silent dance party. I had never seen this before, but the kids had, and it was a blast. We are sitting in the photo below, but once we tuned into the music in the headphones, it was on to the dance floor! 

Please enjoy some more photos of this beautiful resort, and if you are considering a trip to Mexico, I would highly recommend it. As mentioned, the Excellence  is adults only, so if you are looking for a little getaway with your spouse, partner or friends without the kids, it could be a good option. It is perfectly okay to do this once in a while. Some rest, relaxation and the ability to "recharge your battery" can be very helpful for a working mom. However, I must admit that a trip like this with your adult kids is truly amazing. You can rest assured you did something right if they are happy to vacation with you once they have moved away and have their own busy lives. I am very fortunate, and look forward to the next one. My advice...take the trips for as long as you can, explore the world and enjoy the quality time!✈️💗💗

Mother's day is special to us at The Working Mom for a few reasons. First of all, it is a celebration of us...me, Lisa and all of the moms out there we know and those we don't know. We hope to connect with many more working moms over the next several months and years as we continue to work on building this brand and community. We give a huge shout out to all moms and grandmoms today, and we hope that it has been a day of rest and relaxation.  Another reason this day is special for us, is that it marks the anniversary of the launch of our website. We officially started this project three years ago today during the height of the pandemic. Crazy to think about how different the world was a mere 3 years ago. We were not 100% sure what to expect related to Covid and we were not sure where we were headed with this business.  However, we knew we were passionate about finding a way to help other working moms navigate through the many challenges we face. We have over 20 years of experience, and our goal is to share what we have learned to provide insight, answer questions and offer guidance and support. 

We began blogging about different topics as a way to introduce ourselves and offer some advice and motivation as well as quick and easy recipes, and some additional fun education with Lisa's "Wine Wednesdays". We have received wonderful feedback on the blog over the past few years, but as we are both full time working moms, we became a little less consistent with the blog due to busy schedules, and we have been brainstorming any chance we get about how to best deliver the content we would like to share. We have outlined an on-line course which we would like to eventually complete, but we have a new idea we feel might be more fun and creative and easier to deliver in a timely fashion.  We hope to launch by the end of this year. Stay tuned...  

A beautiful, and I'm sure equally delicious cake given to Lisa by her daughter Maggie...had to share!💝

I entered medical school in 1994 with dreams of becoming an orthopedic surgeon, realizing it would be a long road ahead. I could not have been more excited to match into an excellent residency program, and I started that journey in 1998. It was crazy long hours and a lot of hard work in a very male dominated specialty. I continued on the path toward my dream and had the great fortune to become a mom during that time as well.  Another dream come true...to be the mom of two amazing daughters. Onward to a fellowship and then my first "real job" as a hospital employed attending physician. Two years later I left that job and joined the practice which I am still a partner in today. I have been with my current private practice for 17 years, so a total of 19 years in practice plus the 5 years of residency and 1 year of fellowship before that.  Quick math brings us to 25 years as a doctor!  As we all often say related to many circumstances... "where did the time go?" How is it possible that I have daughters in their twenties and I am soon to be 52? I truly can't believe it. Residency seems like a lifetime ago and the pure excitement of my work and helping people also seems like a thing of the past. Physician...it is one of the most noble professions. We devote our young adult years to studying, training and  sacrificing so we can help people. We expect to make a good living doing so in order to pay off our medical school loans and all the debt we may continue to acquire during residency.  However, we realize the perception of the "rich doctor" is false and also a thing of the past, but we still hope to be compensated well for what do.

We realize the business of healthcare has become something we no longer recognize. We continue to work hard for some giant health system or mega private practice and no longer have the control over how we want to practice medicine. We are governed by the insurance companies and the big business types who run the health systems and practices. We are the hamsters on the wheel dealing with all kinds of restrictions and denials and decreased reimbursements. Much of the time, we are  justifying what we are doing to people who are no longer or never were clinicians yet have the right to deny the MRIs we want to order or the surgery the patient needs because all the little boxes on their computer screen were not checked. Yet if he or she was the patient, they would surely have a different opinion.  

I suppose anything you do for 20+ years can become stale, and the term burn out can be found in many different occupations. I do feel like it is an epidemic in the healthcare industry right now. This is not unique to physicians. It is being seen in physician assistants, nurses, therapists and all other types of healthcare workers. The rewarding aspect of this profession is being smothered by the struggles and frustrations dealt with on a daily basis. We are dealing with lack of resources and staffing which has been amplified since the pandemic. Obviously, healthcare was affected significantly during the pandemic, and we continue to feel the effects of that now. However, I don't think we can blame the entirety of the current situation on Covid. Many of these issues were present before, but are certainly amplified now.  I don't know if there is a solution, because it can be very hard for many of us to make a change in our career once we have been in it for many years. Maybe we don't even want to do that, but we just want to work in a better environment. We have worked very hard to have a special skill set with the ability to treat patients, and in the case of surgeons, we have spent countless hours perfecting our craft so that we can be trusted to cut into another human being. It is truly a unique position to hold, and it brings with it a tremendous amount of stress and responsibility. I may not have anyone's life in may hands as an orthopedic surgeon versus another specialty such as  cardiothoracic surgery,  but there is still a lot of pressure on me every time I walk into that OR to do a shoulder surgery, even when I have done it thousands of times before. That part of my job, while stressful at times, I still enjoy very much.  The OR is a special place which is hard to describe unless you work there. 

There is no greater reward than a happy, appreciative patient who sings your praises during a post-op visit and utters the words.. "you changed my life". I have received many thoughtful notes over the years and cared for many families who have become special to me.  Despite all of that, there are some days when I admit feeling like it is time to walk away. Problem is...I can't...most of us can't. We need to make a living and take care of our families. Our families...who often take the brunt of our frustrations when we come home in a bad mood or too tired to play with our kids or go out to dinner. Our families...who we love and want the best for but know on some days we are not equipped to be the best moms we can be because the day at work has truly sucked the life out of us. Our families... who just want to talk and wonder "how was our day?"...but we have no words left after talking to 30 patients and every unhappy member of the staff who feels overworked. Our families...who love us unconditionally, no matter how cranky we are. Our families...specifically are kids who look up to us and want nothing more than to be with us and can't wait for us to get home from work... until they are teenagers of course😉 

So what is the answer? I wish I knew. What would I do differently so that I would not be a member of the burn out club? I don't know. Could I have made a change in my career ten years ago which would have avoided this...the answer is no. Once again, I trained for years to be able to do what I do. I am good at what I do, and I have helped thousands of patients over the years. I can still be excited about a day in the OR when I have a bunch of my favorite cases to do with a great team and music playing in the background. I can have a great day in the office when my PA comes and tells me she has seen a string of happy post-op patients who are progressing ahead of schedule and are so thankful. I can be happy when new patients come in and say they were recommended to me by a friend or family member who I took care of in the past with a great outcome. 

I am blessed to work with many wonderful people, but even all of these good things can't make up for the struggles and frustrations on a daily basis as well as the long hours I still put in with less and less to show for it as time goes by. All of these good things I just listed are not enough to keep me in this role if I was financially and otherwise able to walk away now. I have given medicine/orthopedics 25 years of my life, and while many give much more, I could be satisfied with this, and feel that I have given enough. I am fortunate to know that my now adult kids do not resent  my career.  As they got older,  they understood the demands of my work and appreciated how I put them first always even if I occasionally had to miss something.  It was a rare occurrence, and we were lucky to have the amazing support of my parents who could always be there if I couldn't. 

At almost 52, what would I tell my 42 year old self to do differently? 

1. Think about other possibilities, plan ahead.

2. Consider the chance that this career may not be what you want to retire from at 65.

3. Invest more and learn more about passive income, 

    but don't deprive yourself or your kids of fun things or experiences. 

4. Explore other avenues/careers which could utilize your specialized training.

5. Learn something new (would likely be impossible as a single full time working mom) but could try.

6. Don't bring your work frustrations home (actually that is better advice for almost 52 year old me!)

7. Realize that life is short and you will be almost 52 in the blink of an eye. 

BIO:

Stef Tousignant is a parenting expert and gratitude nerd. She is a former professional nanny of 20+ years and the author of the award-winning bedtime book The Middle of the Night Book. Burned-out parents everywhere rely on her mindfulness tools and honest blog posts found at ParentDifferently.com. She hopes to normalize imperfect parenting by sharing her journey and the gifts a committed gratitude practice can bring to modern family life.

The Working Mom: "Tell me a little about your working mom situation"

Maria McCool:  "My oldest is my daughter who is 26 and then I have two boys who are 23 and 19.  The 26 year old is on her own. The 23 year old graduated from college this year and has just started his career In New York City. My daughter is in NYC as well, and then the youngest is a sophomore in college in California. So that's where I am now, but I became a single parent when they were quite young (8, 5 and 2). 

I have been doing hair my whole life. I started with my first perm and cut on my best friend when we were 12! I knew I wanted to have my own salon some day and was ready to pursue a great opportunity in California when my current partner, who was my boss at the time, approached me about opening a salon here. I was 23 when we opened Calista. The salon grew very fast. We were open 7 days a week and stayed open until 10pm."

The Working Mom:  "So how was that while having kids?"

Maria McCool:  "I had my daughter when I was 30, so 7 years in, which was good. I had a lot already under my belt at that point..,but by then, we had tripled in size and opened a much bigger salon, so I was still extremely busy. I also began looking for other ways to make money after going through my divorce, so I started creating the product line. We started building the brand on QVC, and it is now one of the top hair care brands sold there.

I always knew I wanted to have my own business, and I always knew I wanted to have children, so starting the business early was a good game plan...then I was a little bit more established when the kids came. When they were little, it was busy, but I was very grateful to have the business, because then, even though I was still working 60-70 hours a week, sometimes it was while they were asleep. I was fortunate enough with my hours, to be able to get them off to school and then off the bus in the afternoon.  I might have a helper come in at times, but I feel like my kids would say I was there for them. They were (and still are) my priority."

The Working Mom: "Was there ever a time when you felt like you would prefer to stay home full time with your kids? Was it even a possibility?"

Maria McCool:  "Maybe in some stressful moments, I thought that way, but I always knew it's who I am (my career). I think we have a purpose. Now the purpose of a working mom could be for financial reasons...you need to work, and there were times, since I went through a divorce, that I couldn't have not worked. I think part of my purpose in life was to raise those kids, but what I do day in and day out at work is definitely part of my purpose as well."

The Working Mom:  "What do you feel must be a priority with the kids? Were there things you would absolutely not miss?"

Maria McCool:  "Yes...so many things! Owning the business made that a little easier in the beginning, and I could just schedule around it. My clients knew I had kids and were understanding. I could move appointments around some. I tried to be organized enough to know when things were coming at school or other events and plan for them. When I was building the business at QVC, the schedule was a little more unpredictable, but I still was able to make time when needed and my kids were always my priority. The tv shows run 24 hours there, so at times I did overnights with a 3am show on air. That was great for my kids since I was at work while they were sleeping.

The Working Mom: "Are there any pearls you have or strategies which have worked well for you to manage work and kids on a day to day basis?"

Maria McCool:   "A couple of things....Definitely, I think organization is important. I even worked with an organizational coach at one point, and she had so many insights, like how to arrange the bedrooms. It made things easier, I kept it simple. To this day, I purge every season. You remember when your kids were little and things piled up...like all those McDonald's toys that ended up at the bottom of a basket and then they never played with them...well seasonally, I would go through stuff and get rid of things.  So organization is huge.

 (The Working Mom: RIP happy meal toys😅)

The other thing...SLEEP! I think that what I learned is how to nap. Especially as a single parent, if there was even an hour window at a certain time, a nap could make a difference. Mornings could be hard. Getting up with three kids, and getting them off to three different schools, then going to work for a full day, getting them off the bus, getting the homework going, piano lessons, and then dinner..."

The Working Mom: "Did you have help?"

Maria McCool: "I had babysitters when they were little. I would go to the salon 4 days a week, so I would have someone there when I couldn't be. Later on I had an au pair and that was amazing, especially when I was doing the overnight work at QVC. But once they went to school, I made my schedule so that I could be there and didn't need as much help. I did always have a posse of people in the neighborhood. So, if I needed someone to get them off the bus, it could happen. Other, slightly older kids would come over and play for a couple of hours so I could get things done. I think you should try to have a posse of people...younger teens are great for entertaining the kids for a couple of hours. My kids would be so excited for this. I am the youngest of seven, so I always had older siblings around. This is the same idea. If possible, I think it's so helpful, and it's okay to take some time to do things yourself. If you can leave the kids for a couple of hours to run errands, go to the market, etc... it will really help."

The Working Mom: " Do you feel like the ability to manage work and family gets harder or easier as the kids get older?"

Maria McCool:  "I don't think it was any easier until they went to college. I think some people like different stages better because it might be easier for them. I think the high school years involve a lot of running around..., but I feel like what you learn as you have more kids is that everything is just a 'season'.  From the teething, to the diapers and so on, everything is just a season. They are doing that now and won't be doing it later. Now they are playing a sport but then it will be over. I say that to younger moms a lot. They may feel like whatever phase they are in is never ending, but they have to know it's just a season. You will eventually be sleeping again, You will eventually not be dressing them and doing everything for them, etc..."

The Working Mom: "Is there anything you would do differently when you first became a working mom based on what you have learned since?  Any advice for your younger self?"

Maria McCool: " Talk to people. It's not really something I would change, because I did do that. I had 50 clients a week I could talk to as well as friends and family members, so I had a lot of advice. It goes back to the seasons idea. Remembering that every phase is going to end.  I am a very living in the moment type of person, and I would suggest living in the moment."

The Working Mom: " Did you find there was a big difference going from one to two or then two to three kids?"

Maria McCool:  "Zero to one was the biggest change. The sleep deprivation is hard and everything is new. With the second and third babies, things aren't new anymore.  Since I am one of seven, I always thought I would probably have four. It didn't work out that way.  In retrospect, I think you have to have the time to give enough, not only physical support, but also emotional support. So I think, especially as a single parent, four would have probably been a lot for me to be able to give the best emotional support. Emotionally meaning...what they need when they had a rough day at school, didn't make the team, and so on. Now if I had not been a working mom, I may have had more like my mom, but as a working mom, there is only so much brain power. But of course, if I had four, I would have figured it out. Things would have changed...maybe I wouldn't have been able to work full time or maybe I wouldn't have started the hair care line when I did."

The Working Mom: "Are you able to find time for yourself? You are in the business of self care...do you make that a priority for yourself?"

Maria McCool: "Yes, I think it's really, really important. When I look at the time I had to carve out for myself, it may have only been five hours a month and that was fine. I don't think we should be selfless. Also this is the industry I'm in, I can't go around with my hair not styled... and I really like it obviously.😉 I definitely think it's important. It's so different now (easier with older kids). Being in the business, there was a point when I was getting weekly massages, but it wasn't always because the kids came first. But of course, massages, facials, nail care...all that stuff was my thing! Later on, I would also take a few days when I could and go away to a spa.

The good news is my kids like to do a lot of the same things that I like to do, so the beach and that stuff we could do together, but I would have to say for myself it was mostly the spa."

The Working Mom: "How did you handle times when there were conflicts between work and events with the kids? Was there ever a time when you had a work obligation and missed something with your kids? If so, how did it affect you and how do you think it affected them?"

Maria McCool:  "I don't think there is anything major I can remember that I missed, but I do remember the first time I had to go away for business. My daughter was not happy at first. She was maybe 3 at the time, and I was going to be away for 4 days. I created this whole scavenger hunt thing, and it was the highlight of the week. I told her about it and then she was like... 'when are you leaving?'😅

I also think it's what you have 'banked'. You have put so much in over the years, that especially once they were in high school, they knew that if I missed something, I really had to. They would  understand even if they might still have been a little disappointed. A lot of times, even if they would say 'I'm good', I would still try to do something more another time. Not that I think they weren't being honest, but it's just what I wanted to do. For example, my youngest goes to Berkley and we just drove out there, cross country, together just him and I. That was not too long ago, and parents' weekend is next weekend. He told me I didn't have to come since we just did the road trip, but I plan to go...why not?! That's the kind of stuff they remember too."

The Working Mom: " Do you feel there is truly a way to achieve work/life balance?"

Maria McCool: " 100%!! I think it's because both things are so important to me. If something is not working, I change it. I think that if people are really struggling to achieve this, maybe they shouldn't be working (if possible). For me, I wanted both things so badly, I had to figure it out. I think it depends on your situation and everyone is different, but if you want both badly enough, you will make it work. I don't even want to retire... I mean, I don't want to keep working like I am now, but it will be something else I have to figure out."

Thanks so much for taking the time to share your experiences and advice with our working mom community! You are truly an inspiration!💗

Next week both of my daughters will be a plane ride away for the first time. If you follow this blog you know that my oldest is now a college graduate and my youngest is about to start her junior year. So it has been a while since both girls were living at home, but with one in Boston and one in NYC, it was comforting to know that both places were relatively easy to drive to. Flying to Boston could be a nice alternative, but after doing it a few times, I didn't mind the 6-7 hour drive at all. As you have also heard me say before, I love being the mom of adult kids and seeing how their lives evolve. They have both done amazing things in their college careers and have impressed me countless times with how independent they are and how well they navigate the cities they live in or any city (or country) they travel to. I am very used to not seeing them every day, but could typically manage visits every couple of months or sometimes more often than that. The girls made good use of the train between Boston and NYC as well and were able to see each other fairly easily when they had time. I am thrilled that they remain so close. It was clear when they were much younger that they would always be best friends.💗

So, off they go! On the almost eve of her 22nd birthday, Danielle packed her car to the brim and is headed west! She will be in Iowa for the next two years with her boyfriend. They both have great jobs and will be exploring a new place together. I am so proud of her for taking the leap into the unknown. My city girl has a strong desire to experience living in different regions of this country, and while I think the midwest will not go beyond these two years, hopefully she will enjoy it. My guess is she will ultimately want to call the Northeast home again at some point in future, but we'll see...🤷🏻‍♀️ Looking forward to doing the 15 hour road trip (just this one time 😉) in a couple of weeks to bring her everything she could not fit in her very skillfully packed MINI Cooper!

Then on Monday (which is Danielle's 22nd birthday), I will drive Kayla to the airport in NYC to leave for her semester abroad in London at NYU's fashion program. She will then celebrate her 20th birthday one week later, no doubt in some fabulous place with her friends.🎊 This was her first choice program, so she is very excited, and I am so excited for her! She will be able to explore a new country and travel to others on the weekends. We have traveled to several countries in Europe, so  I know she is comfortable navigating her way around, which makes the transition easier for all of us.  Also, it's just a semester, and I will take the "trip across the pond" ✈️ in October for a long weekend which will be a lot of fun. Danielle will get to visit her first in just a few weeks before she starts her job. The sisters will "Do London"!!🇬🇧

I may sound like a broken record at times going on about how much I enjoy this phase of parenting. I will miss my daughters, but I know they are fine, and they are living their lives to the fullest which is exactly what a mother wants to see. My busy career still occupies a lot of my time, and while it was a challenge to balance it all over the years, it is something I still have now as my kids move on. I have also been fortunate enough to find my passion with ballroom dance which fills a wonderful space in my life. Being busy and having things to do as well as some wonderful friends and my family nearby, makes all the difference in the world. My life is very full, and while my daughters have the biggest piece of my heart always, I am so happy to watch them leave the nest and truly soar!

My advice: raise them right and let them go...they will always find their way back, and you will have an amazing relationship with your adult kids😊