If you have followed us for a while, you know that I raised my daughters in a three generation household with my parents. I was very fortunate to have their help since I became a single mom when I had a 2 year old and a 2 month old. We all lived together for 20 years. I went from always having roommates in college and medical school, to then living with my husband and later with the kids too (for a short while) and finally with my parents and my kids. I had never, in all my life, lived alone. When my kids went off to college, I still lived in the home we all shared with my parents for 3 more years after my youngest left. It was just 9 months ago that my parents and I sold the family home we had all enjoyed for 20 years and downsized moving into separate homes.  It was a major transition which  definitely took getting used to. We also have two dogs who live with my parents, so I am truly alone in my townhouse unless my kids come back to visit. 

I had never minded being alone, but I will say the silence was overwhelming at first. I was used to no kids for a while, but now there was no-one at all and not even a barking dog when I came through the door. This led me to immediately turn on the tv when I came in just for the noise. After a few weeks, it became my new normal, and my new routine set in. I came to enjoy the silence, especially after a long day in the office with non-stop talking to people for many hours. I did not feel lonely. I was ready for some down time. 

Knowing that I have family and friends who I can be with often, I never feel truly lonely. I can now indulge in the quiet moments and try to recharge. I love the people in my life, but I am content being by myself. At this stage, I also do not feel like I need a significant other to make my life complete. I always describe myself as "happily divorced" or "happily single". I have a fierce independent streak, and I know it would be very difficult for me to find a person who could fit into the life I have created for myself. My life is full just as it is.  Being alone is very different from being lonely...don't be lonely. Learn how to value your own company.💗

Who remembers life before social media? Most of us moms do, but it's amazing to think that our kids do not. Of course technology advances at warped speed these days which means our kids are growing up in a world which would have been foreign to us at their age. One of the most significant changes our kids live with is the ever present social media. It has become a huge part of our culture such that it is hard for them not to experience it in some way even at a very young age. How do we manage this? That is the million dollar question! Not all adults have "given in" to the social media way of life, but I would say the majority have to some degree. It seems nearly impossible in 2024  not to be using your smart phone on a regular basis throughout the day to text, email, shop, navigate, pay bills and scroll your social media platform of choice. As soon as our children are aware of what we do, they see this...they see a phone in our hand and all that goes along with it. Even as a toddler, they will no doubt begin to recognize the act of scrolling through photos and videos on the phone which can include social media apps. So how do we protect them from the negative aspects of this pass time? At what age is it appropriate to allow them to be on these apps? How do we know they aren't finding ways around rules we may put in place? These are just a few of the questions and concerns that we face as working moms or as parents in general.

Most social media apps require users to be 13 years old, but of course there can be ways to fool the system. As we discussed in a recent blog post about screen time, many kids will have phones at the age of 10 or 11, or maybe even younger. A statistic published by the U.S. Surgeon General states that nearly 40% of kids ages 8-12 and 95% of kids 13-17 use social media apps. Eight years old??? Wow! I could not have imagined my daughters being on social media at age 8. I didn't have to worry about this 13-15 years ago when my girls were that age, but if I did, I would have definitely made them wait until they were older. There are so many concerns about safety and the affect social media has on kids' mental health and relationships. 

Where to begin? This is a topic which is very open ended with many different opinions. I would like to provide some statistics and couple that with my thoughts and experience. First of all, I think there are both positive and negative aspects of social media. As a parent, it is easy to focus on the negative aspects of it with regard to our children and for good reason. I do feel that especially in the teen years, but perhaps earlier, social media becomes almost an addiction for these kids. You can see plenty of examples if you just look around at groups of kids out together interacting with their phones far more than they are interacting with each other. Social media seems to have taken the "social" out of many interactions. Without a doubt, it is the most common reason a kid will be on their phone if just hanging out with no other activities planned. It seems that FOMO (fear of missing out for those who didn't know, like me until very recently😅) is quite prevalent in this age group as well. They have a desire or even feel a strong need to know what everyone else is doing at any moment. What's the best way to find out...Instagram stories! The younger set is most commonly on Instagram, TikTok and Snapchat. Facebook is typically for us older folks, but kids may be on it too, just usually not as active. Then comes the pressure to out do others, the question of  "why wasn't I invited?" if other friends are seen somewhere without you, and the disappointment if someone is doing something you are not allowed to or your family can't afford to do. It is a measuring stick that should not exist. I am not as good as, as smart as, as talented as, as pretty as..... and the list goes on. While genuine friends can applaud each others' successes and offer concern in times of need, the teenage mind in many instances is not mature enough to do that, and this becomes nothing but a who is better than who contest. 

If we continue with the negative impact of social media, there are many legitimate concerns for parents, and we need to figure out ways to navigate this and have open discussions with our kids. We need to try and set some boundaries which of course can be very hard to do, especially as they get older and spend more time away from you during the school day, at after school activities and being out with friends. So what do we have to worry about other than this addiction phenomenon? 

1. Body image: This may be more prevalent with girls, but I don't think it excludes boys. It is already a time of anxiety produced by puberty and changing bodies. Kids grow and develop at different rates and come in different shapes and sizes.  Some are plagued by acne or being much taller or shorter than most of their peers. Add to this people posting only the best possible photos with all kinds of filters or photoshop and the problem is magnified 100 fold. Studies have shown that close to 50% of teens ages 13-17 said social media made them feel bad about their bodies and how they look. This leads to eating disorders and low self-esteem. There can be no way to measure up to these altered photos, but kids looking at them don't see it that way even though they may use some of the same filters themselves. Don't even get me started on the celebrity or influencer accounts they may follow. This distorts reality even further for the average kid. Of course it's no secret that celebrities live a much different life with lots of money and other advantages which the average kid does not have. Money and fame does not always equate to a perfect care free life for celebrities, but it is certainly perceived as such by their followers. Never before was there such easy access to the daily life of the rich and famous. 

2. Cyberbullying:  As if just regular bullying isn't a big enough problem, now we have to worry about what kids are saying about each other or doing to each other online. It's one thing to try and deal with harmful words or actions in person at school, a playground or sports field; but what about language, photos and videos posted on social media with the intent to harm or embarrass someone? None of it is acceptable, and it is always difficult to deal with. The younger the kids are, I firmly believe it is the parent's responsibility to step in and involve teachers, coaches, and/or the other parents to put an end to this type of behavior. As the kids get older, we walk a fine line as parents because often getting involved can make the situation worse. In this instance, you need to make sure your child has the tools to defend himself or herself and knows where to go and who to involve for help. At the end of the day, your child's safety is the most important thing whether they are 8 or 18 so don't just look the other way even if they ask you to. This is made exponentially worse online as things posted get out instantly and spread like wildfire. It has been reported that over 60% of teens admit to being exposed to or the target of hate based content. Truly unacceptable.

3. Online Predators:  This is perhaps the most worrisome aspect of social media or any other type of online communication our kids are using.  Unfortunately we all know there are many terrible people in this world who will prey on children and teens. People can portray a different image or identity online, and this deception can be a very scary when it comes to those who are young and vulnerable. Kids can be exploited sexually or coerced into drugs and other illegal activities. It has been reported that 6 out of 10 teen girls say they have been contacted on a social media platform by a stranger in a way that made them feel uncomfortable. We need to caution our kids to be very careful and not communicate with strangers or accept friend or follow requests from people they don't know. That alone is not a guarantee they will be safe, but it's a good start. Then we can dive into what our kids post and how much they post. They should be keeping accounts private so that anything they share is only seen by people they know and trust. Once again we can't be sure this totally prevents any problems, but I would be very wary of public accounts.

4. Viral Trends:  "Go viral"...a term which is often thought of in a positive sense when someone is trying to become famous or start a business...they get that one video or reel which goes viral and then it skyrockets them into the spotlight. However, when it comes to some of the trends which become viral through social media, it can be scary. This is another thing we have to teach our kids about and make sure they understand that many of these trends or challenges can be dangerous. I had never heard of most of these until I did some research for this post, but they are truly frightening. These are just a few which have been trending on TikTok over the past few years: the blackout challenge, the benadryl challenge, the skullbreaker challenge and the fire challenge.  All of these are extremely dangerous and have had devastating consequences including death in some cases. Google these and other trends if you have not heard of them and be sure to warn your kids about being drawn into this type of thing. 

5.  Behavior:  We need to pay close attention to changes in behavior which could indicate a problem. Tween and teen years are already difficult to navigate for parents as kids start to explore more independence and outside influences. When that influence is in a digital form and harder to monitor, it just adds another layer of complexity to an already trying time. We need to attempt to differentiate a normal moody teenager from a kid who is struggling with feelings of anxiety, irritability or concentration issues due to the influences of others and/or what they are seeing on social media. This is a hard job as a parent, but it is important to stay involved and monitor your kids' behavior. Ask questions but don't pry, offer support but don't smother... be a safe place for them. That's the best we can do. Always listen and if they are not talking to you, find someone else they are willing to talk to. 

So are there any good things about social media?? Of course. It can be a great way to stay connected and feel involved or at least in the know with friends and family members who you don't get to see often. It's a way to share special events and milestones. Birthdays and other celebrations or announcements are always fun to see. Social media can be a great way to remind us of some of these occasions and give us a chance to reach out to someone on their special day. It can be a way to connect with someone if you are out and about and realize they are in the same place. Like so many things, there is good and bad. I think as a parent, we have to pay very close attention to the potential for bad as our kids start to get exposed to social media, but we should also show them the good. We need  to lead by example, especially when they are very young. 

I use both Facebook and Instagram. I was a little late to the social media party since I didn't join Facebook until 2009. It first started in 2004. I went on right before I was to attend my 20th high school reunion. It was a lot of fun at first reconnecting with people from high school and other past chapters of my life. It did ultimately allow me to truly reunite with a few people I might not have otherwise. In general we all know the term "Facebook friend"  has it's own unique definition. I can assure you that of my now 1000+ Facebook friends, only a small percentage of them are truly friends who I interact with regularly, but I will also admit that I enjoy some mindless scrolling at times and it can be fun to see what people are up to even if they are not close friends.  I went on Instagram about 10 years later. It's very clear that while young people may be on FB, it's the platform more commonly used by those of us who are more mature. Instagram is where the younger people hang out (& TikToK). When I first went on IG, I did not request to follow my then 17 and 19 year old daughters. We were connected on FB, but I felt like IG was their domain, and I did not want to intrude. I was not concerned about what they were posting and didn't think they would have stuff there I shouldn't see, but nonetheless, I felt like it was okay for them to have that place just for themselves. Later on we did connect, and it was totally fine.  Actually as of about 2 years ago, my younger daughter decided to go off IG and says she is happier without it. My older daughter still uses it some but neither one of my kids ever had the social media addiction that many teens develop, and I am so thankful for that. 

My advice: Keep lines of communication open at all times, discuss the pros and cons of social media before your kids start using it and try not to let them start too young. Create guidelines and boundaries, keep abreast of current trends, and try to limit screen time in general. Kids are growing up way too fast...encourage them to enjoy being kids, play games (not on a screen), get outside, put the phones away and just talk and laugh together!😊

                                  And never let this happen...

We cannot deny that our phones have truly become a necessity. While many of us, including me, remember a time when there were no cell phones, not just no smartphones but actually no mobile phones. It is interesting to live through the evolution which makes this now something which is impossible to live without. It is truly incredible what we all have at our fingertips these days. It is certainly exciting for kids growing up now in a much more technologically advanced society, but it's also a little scary. We need to try and teach our kids from a young age that there is a place for this technology in our lives, but it should not be totally dominant over other ways of learning and having fun. 

There are many recommendations out there regarding what the screen time limits should be based on age groups. That's step one. Step two is parental controls. At whatever age you decide it is appropriate for your child to have a phone, you need to set limits and parameters. There are many ways to do this, and I think it's important to do some research ahead of time and figure out a plan. This is also important for their safety, since we all know there are many dangers which exist online. Of course this can be with the use of a computer or any device, but somehow seems a bit more worrisome when it is their own handheld phone. 

We can't forget the flip side to this however, which is how nice it can be to be able to reach your child or have them reach you when needed with a simple text message. It can be very reassuring to know that if your child is not with you, he or she can easily text you if there is a problem or you can text to check in. We can probably go overboard with this too as the kids get older, but still I would call this a positive aspect of the easy access allowed by phones. Who remembers using a pay phone to reach their parents?? Young kids today have barely any concept of a land line, let alone a pay phone or a phone book. Ancient history😅  We can also consider easing them into a smartphone. It could be a good plan to begin with simpler device which merely allows calls and texts depending on what age you decide to start. A smartphone upgrade could always come later. 

Whether you like the guidelines above or create something of your own, I think it makes a lot of sense to have limits in place that you try to follow. It can be very easy to stick a screen in front of even a very young child as way to calm or occupy him or her while you get things done at home or when you are running errands with them or perhaps in a social setting. There are many wonderful shows and movies which can be loaded onto a device, and this can be an  enjoyable option for kids in these situations. I see nothing wrong with that in moderation. I didn't have that option with my young kids when we were out, but certainly at home there were plenty of times when a movie or the Disney channel  was a great way to entertain them once they could safely be in front of a TV together. That was a golden opportunity for me to get some things done or even just relax and watch with them. There were very basic gaming systems when my kids were young too which provided great fun and learning opportunities. These cannot even compare to what is available today. Perhaps another area to exercise some caution.

I think advances in all of these areas are great overall, and let'e face it, inevitable; but I also think it has made parenting of younger children today more difficult.  Many of us working moms (and dads) rely heavily on our phones for work, and it can be necessary to use them often while at home for this reason. We should try to limit the use while with the kids if possible, and explain to them the difference between use for work and use just to pass the time.  

We also need not forget the camera feature which is another reason phones are ever present especially with the parents of younger kids, We want to capture every moment, and today it is super easy to do so...too easy. Don't forget to also live in the moment, because while you can have 287,000 photos to look back on from their early childhood years, you will never get those moments back. 

My advice: 

1. Protect your kids when they are young from everything including technology. 

2. Teach them how to use it appropriately and try not to get too wrapped up in it yourself. 

3. Let them explore more as they get older but keep a watchful eye, albeit from a distance.

4. Always try to live in the moment even if you can't let that photo op pass by.  

5. Never forget... they grow up way too fast.

p.s. My daughters first got iphones at ages 14 and 12. 

The older one did have a more basic phone at age 13, and then we upgraded to an iphone at 14, so her younger sister started off that same year with an iphone at age 12😉  

Seems to me like the norm is more like age 10 or even younger these days😳

When we are trying to plan a trip all together now, we are at the mercy of two work schedules, one college schedule and the fact that we live in three different states. Gone are the days when I could just take off the week of their spring break or in the summer and plan whatever we wanted to do fairly easily all leaving from and returning to the same location. Now we had to plan well in advance so both my older daughter and I could take time off from work, and we would not be interfering with the start of my younger daughter's senior year of college and the end of her summer job on campus. We were able to pick the dates and coordinate flights to arrive and depart within a half an hour of each other which was nice and helpful for transfers to and from the resort. We only had four days there, but it was wonderful quality time. 

We arrived on a Friday evening and encountered some rain on the way to the resort which was about 35 minutes from the airport. We tried to refrain from constantly checking the weather forecast for the next few days because sadly it was not good at all. Full days of rain and clouds were expected without even a glimpse of the sun😳. We were determined not to let that bother us, but truth be told, the hope was this would be a restful few days at the beach and pool enjoying plenty of sunshine. The first day was not the best, but rain was intermittent and we did spend time at the beach with three good books!

The following day we had a spa morning which was so nice. I have no photos because it was one of several times during this trip that our phones were stored away, and we just enjoyed what we were doing. Once we left the spa, the weather began to cooperate more, and we had time at both the pool and beach. Not full on sun, but better than the day before, so we were happy!

We enjoyed several different restaurants for lunch and dinner. We went to the same place for breakfast most days which had an expansive buffet and the nicest staff. Lunch and dinner options included, Mexican, Italian, French, Seafood and a Steakhouse. There were ample options for cocktails throughout the day including service at the beach and a swim up bar at the main pool.🍹

On our third day we did a planned tour to Chichén Itza. This is one of the most visited archeological sites in Mexico, and one of the seven wonders of the world. Here you see the ruins of one of the largest Mayan cities. The most famous building is the Temple of Kukulacán (El Castillo) which is the pyramid like structure pictured below. It was definitely something to see! The tour included a couple of other stops and was a full day excursion as this area is nearly three hours from the resort in Cancun. Well worth the trip! 

(p.s. weather continued to improve!)

Our final day was extra special because it was my older daughter's 23rd birthday! 🎂  Not a cloud in the sky!!☀️ The resort had some nice options to help us celebrate with flowers and champagne, and we also came with gifts from home. We had a lovely room service breakfast on the balcony of our room complete with mimosas! Moved on from there to a beautiful beach and pool day. They offered a "sip and paint" activity on the beach that afternoon which was so much fun. Artists we are not, but I will say the girls' paintings outshined mom's for sure. That evening was dinner with a birthday celebration in the restaurant thanks to the amazing staff. The grand finale was a silent dance party. I had never seen this before, but the kids had, and it was a blast. We are sitting in the photo below, but once we tuned into the music in the headphones, it was on to the dance floor! 

Please enjoy some more photos of this beautiful resort, and if you are considering a trip to Mexico, I would highly recommend it. As mentioned, the Excellence  is adults only, so if you are looking for a little getaway with your spouse, partner or friends without the kids, it could be a good option. It is perfectly okay to do this once in a while. Some rest, relaxation and the ability to "recharge your battery" can be very helpful for a working mom. However, I must admit that a trip like this with your adult kids is truly amazing. You can rest assured you did something right if they are happy to vacation with you once they have moved away and have their own busy lives. I am very fortunate, and look forward to the next one. My advice...take the trips for as long as you can, explore the world and enjoy the quality time!✈️💗💗

I entered medical school in 1994 with dreams of becoming an orthopedic surgeon, realizing it would be a long road ahead. I could not have been more excited to match into an excellent residency program, and I started that journey in 1998. It was crazy long hours and a lot of hard work in a very male dominated specialty. I continued on the path toward my dream and had the great fortune to become a mom during that time as well.  Another dream come true...to be the mom of two amazing daughters. Onward to a fellowship and then my first "real job" as a hospital employed attending physician. Two years later I left that job and joined the practice which I am still a partner in today. I have been with my current private practice for 17 years, so a total of 19 years in practice plus the 5 years of residency and 1 year of fellowship before that.  Quick math brings us to 25 years as a doctor!  As we all often say related to many circumstances... "where did the time go?" How is it possible that I have daughters in their twenties and I am soon to be 52? I truly can't believe it. Residency seems like a lifetime ago and the pure excitement of my work and helping people also seems like a thing of the past. Physician...it is one of the most noble professions. We devote our young adult years to studying, training and  sacrificing so we can help people. We expect to make a good living doing so in order to pay off our medical school loans and all the debt we may continue to acquire during residency.  However, we realize the perception of the "rich doctor" is false and also a thing of the past, but we still hope to be compensated well for what do.

We realize the business of healthcare has become something we no longer recognize. We continue to work hard for some giant health system or mega private practice and no longer have the control over how we want to practice medicine. We are governed by the insurance companies and the big business types who run the health systems and practices. We are the hamsters on the wheel dealing with all kinds of restrictions and denials and decreased reimbursements. Much of the time, we are  justifying what we are doing to people who are no longer or never were clinicians yet have the right to deny the MRIs we want to order or the surgery the patient needs because all the little boxes on their computer screen were not checked. Yet if he or she was the patient, they would surely have a different opinion.  

I suppose anything you do for 20+ years can become stale, and the term burn out can be found in many different occupations. I do feel like it is an epidemic in the healthcare industry right now. This is not unique to physicians. It is being seen in physician assistants, nurses, therapists and all other types of healthcare workers. The rewarding aspect of this profession is being smothered by the struggles and frustrations dealt with on a daily basis. We are dealing with lack of resources and staffing which has been amplified since the pandemic. Obviously, healthcare was affected significantly during the pandemic, and we continue to feel the effects of that now. However, I don't think we can blame the entirety of the current situation on Covid. Many of these issues were present before, but are certainly amplified now.  I don't know if there is a solution, because it can be very hard for many of us to make a change in our career once we have been in it for many years. Maybe we don't even want to do that, but we just want to work in a better environment. We have worked very hard to have a special skill set with the ability to treat patients, and in the case of surgeons, we have spent countless hours perfecting our craft so that we can be trusted to cut into another human being. It is truly a unique position to hold, and it brings with it a tremendous amount of stress and responsibility. I may not have anyone's life in may hands as an orthopedic surgeon versus another specialty such as  cardiothoracic surgery,  but there is still a lot of pressure on me every time I walk into that OR to do a shoulder surgery, even when I have done it thousands of times before. That part of my job, while stressful at times, I still enjoy very much.  The OR is a special place which is hard to describe unless you work there. 

There is no greater reward than a happy, appreciative patient who sings your praises during a post-op visit and utters the words.. "you changed my life". I have received many thoughtful notes over the years and cared for many families who have become special to me.  Despite all of that, there are some days when I admit feeling like it is time to walk away. Problem is...I can't...most of us can't. We need to make a living and take care of our families. Our families...who often take the brunt of our frustrations when we come home in a bad mood or too tired to play with our kids or go out to dinner. Our families...who we love and want the best for but know on some days we are not equipped to be the best moms we can be because the day at work has truly sucked the life out of us. Our families... who just want to talk and wonder "how was our day?"...but we have no words left after talking to 30 patients and every unhappy member of the staff who feels overworked. Our families...who love us unconditionally, no matter how cranky we are. Our families...specifically are kids who look up to us and want nothing more than to be with us and can't wait for us to get home from work... until they are teenagers of course😉 

So what is the answer? I wish I knew. What would I do differently so that I would not be a member of the burn out club? I don't know. Could I have made a change in my career ten years ago which would have avoided this...the answer is no. Once again, I trained for years to be able to do what I do. I am good at what I do, and I have helped thousands of patients over the years. I can still be excited about a day in the OR when I have a bunch of my favorite cases to do with a great team and music playing in the background. I can have a great day in the office when my PA comes and tells me she has seen a string of happy post-op patients who are progressing ahead of schedule and are so thankful. I can be happy when new patients come in and say they were recommended to me by a friend or family member who I took care of in the past with a great outcome. 

I am blessed to work with many wonderful people, but even all of these good things can't make up for the struggles and frustrations on a daily basis as well as the long hours I still put in with less and less to show for it as time goes by. All of these good things I just listed are not enough to keep me in this role if I was financially and otherwise able to walk away now. I have given medicine/orthopedics 25 years of my life, and while many give much more, I could be satisfied with this, and feel that I have given enough. I am fortunate to know that my now adult kids do not resent  my career.  As they got older,  they understood the demands of my work and appreciated how I put them first always even if I occasionally had to miss something.  It was a rare occurrence, and we were lucky to have the amazing support of my parents who could always be there if I couldn't. 

At almost 52, what would I tell my 42 year old self to do differently? 

1. Think about other possibilities, plan ahead.

2. Consider the chance that this career may not be what you want to retire from at 65.

3. Invest more and learn more about passive income, 

    but don't deprive yourself or your kids of fun things or experiences. 

4. Explore other avenues/careers which could utilize your specialized training.

5. Learn something new (would likely be impossible as a single full time working mom) but could try.

6. Don't bring your work frustrations home (actually that is better advice for almost 52 year old me!)

7. Realize that life is short and you will be almost 52 in the blink of an eye. 

Next week both of my daughters will be a plane ride away for the first time. If you follow this blog you know that my oldest is now a college graduate and my youngest is about to start her junior year. So it has been a while since both girls were living at home, but with one in Boston and one in NYC, it was comforting to know that both places were relatively easy to drive to. Flying to Boston could be a nice alternative, but after doing it a few times, I didn't mind the 6-7 hour drive at all. As you have also heard me say before, I love being the mom of adult kids and seeing how their lives evolve. They have both done amazing things in their college careers and have impressed me countless times with how independent they are and how well they navigate the cities they live in or any city (or country) they travel to. I am very used to not seeing them every day, but could typically manage visits every couple of months or sometimes more often than that. The girls made good use of the train between Boston and NYC as well and were able to see each other fairly easily when they had time. I am thrilled that they remain so close. It was clear when they were much younger that they would always be best friends.💗

So, off they go! On the almost eve of her 22nd birthday, Danielle packed her car to the brim and is headed west! She will be in Iowa for the next two years with her boyfriend. They both have great jobs and will be exploring a new place together. I am so proud of her for taking the leap into the unknown. My city girl has a strong desire to experience living in different regions of this country, and while I think the midwest will not go beyond these two years, hopefully she will enjoy it. My guess is she will ultimately want to call the Northeast home again at some point in future, but we'll see...🤷🏻‍♀️ Looking forward to doing the 15 hour road trip (just this one time 😉) in a couple of weeks to bring her everything she could not fit in her very skillfully packed MINI Cooper!

Then on Monday (which is Danielle's 22nd birthday), I will drive Kayla to the airport in NYC to leave for her semester abroad in London at NYU's fashion program. She will then celebrate her 20th birthday one week later, no doubt in some fabulous place with her friends.🎊 This was her first choice program, so she is very excited, and I am so excited for her! She will be able to explore a new country and travel to others on the weekends. We have traveled to several countries in Europe, so  I know she is comfortable navigating her way around, which makes the transition easier for all of us.  Also, it's just a semester, and I will take the "trip across the pond" ✈️ in October for a long weekend which will be a lot of fun. Danielle will get to visit her first in just a few weeks before she starts her job. The sisters will "Do London"!!🇬🇧

I may sound like a broken record at times going on about how much I enjoy this phase of parenting. I will miss my daughters, but I know they are fine, and they are living their lives to the fullest which is exactly what a mother wants to see. My busy career still occupies a lot of my time, and while it was a challenge to balance it all over the years, it is something I still have now as my kids move on. I have also been fortunate enough to find my passion with ballroom dance which fills a wonderful space in my life. Being busy and having things to do as well as some wonderful friends and my family nearby, makes all the difference in the world. My life is very full, and while my daughters have the biggest piece of my heart always, I am so happy to watch them leave the nest and truly soar!

My advice: raise them right and let them go...they will always find their way back, and you will have an amazing relationship with your adult kids😊

I must admit that when Asia was suggested as where my daughter wanted to go, I wasn't sold on it right away. It seemed like such a long way to travel for something that was very much an unknown. That being said, I give many thanks to my older daughter for introducing us to travel in Europe for her high school graduation trip in 2018. We went to France and Spain, and it was the first time traveling to Europe for all of us. It was also an unknown. I did not even have a passport at the time. So we all got passports in 2018, and it blows my mind how much we have used them since then! The trip in 2018 convinced us quickly that we wanted to travel more in Europe and we have. It has been amazing to explore other parts of the world for so many reasons. I now feel familiar with how to travel in Europe, but really did not know what to expect when heading to Southeast Asia other than VERY long plane rides!

My daughter did her research and decided we would visit Thailand and Singapore. Roughly 21 hours of flying with a layover in Qatar each way. Thankful for business class on Qatar airways and an amazing lounge in Hamad International Airport where we spent 9 hours on the way there and 2 hours on the way home!

First stop: Phuket, Thailand. What a beautiful place! We stayed at Le Meridien Phuket Beach Resort, and it was incredible. This is technically monsoon season😳, so it is not the most popular time for tourists. I wasn't aware of this when rebooking the trip from 2020, but we didn't have many options on available time this summer based on other travel plans and schedules in general, so we took a chance. We saw a lot of potential rain in the forecast when we looked ahead before we left, but we tried to stay optimistic. The power of positive thinking and manifesting worked for us...perfect weather for the whole trip!☀️ The resort was not crowded at all, so that was really nice too. The people were so kind and the service was amazing. English was spoken by most people we came in contact with at the hotel as well as the two excursions we did.

Our first excursion was a trip to the Phuket Elephant Sanctuary. They do amazing work. It was very eye opening and sad to hear the stories of the elephants they have rescued. They have had hard lives and often suffered abuse while working or being used in shows. When they are rescued, they are usually old with various problems including leg injuries, ear issues and partial or complete blindness. They have an individual person assigned to each elephant who stays near them all day and the elephants learn to trust that person. We learned that when they flap their ears and "wag" their tails, it's like when dogs wag their tails, and it means they are happy.☺️ It was a very impressive place, and it was obvious how well they care for these elephants who have now found their forever home.

The next day we took a guided boat tour to the Phi Phi islands. Wow! This is an area about an hour away from Phuket by boat and the sights are spectacular. Several movies have been filmed in this area. Beautiful lagoons, clear water and white sandy beaches. The tour was extremely well done and we had the best guide ever. There were about 20 people total on the boat. We had two opportunities to snorkel, a lunch stop at a resort on a remote island in the collection of islands we visited, and a final stop on beautiful Bambo island to enjoy some beach time. Highly recommend this tour! Most things are pretty inexpensive there, as evidenced by a photographer on the boat who would take photos of your family all day including underwater which were then delivered by email the next day. We literally received about 100 photos and the cost for this was $45.00!!

Next stop: Bangkok, Thailand. We flew from Phuket to Bangkok with a brief layover at Samui airport located on another island called Ko Samui. This is described as another beautiful place similar to Phuket. The airport definitely had a small island feel worthy of a few photos, which was very different than the airport in Phuket which was more traditional.

On to Bangkok!  We stayed at another wonderful place called the Athenee Hotel located downtown with great views of the city from our room and a really cool "lagoon pool" located on the 4th floor. This is a big city with some historic areas, but there is also a lot of traffic and "hustle and bustle" comparable to any big city in the US. Our first day there was a Sunday, so we were lucky to be able to visit the Weekend Market which is the largest market in the world! There are countless vendors selling all types of authentic food and merchandise. Later that day we went to the Grand Palace (of the royal family) with many exquisite buildings on the grounds. Lastly we visited Wat Pho, a temple which is home to the gold plated reclining Buddha...quite a sight to see! We ended the day with dinner in Chinatown which was a bit of a crazy place!

The next day we went on a guided tour to Ayutthaya, about an hour drive from Bangkok and home of Bang Pa In Palace which is the summer palace of the royal family. We visited numerous temples as well. We had a wonderful guide and ended up being the only family on the tour. We went to the summer palace first and explored the beautiful grounds while getting an amazing history lesson from our tour guide. Next we went to several different temples all with rich history and often there were native Thai people at the various temples actively worshiping. We had lunch at a little restaurant our guide selected with the most amazing fried rice I have ever tasted. She also stopped at a street vendor along the way and picked up ingredients to make us a Thai dessert (the name escapes me now, but it was delicious). 

Next stop: Singapore...Magnificent!! Starting with the airport, it was one amazing sight after another. This hotel had to be one of the highlights of the trip. We stayed at the very famous Marina Bay Sands. It was incredible. We were on the 41st (of 57) floors in tower 3,  and the view from our room was breathtaking. This is the most beautiful (and clean) modern city I have ever seen. The hotel and nearby Gardens at the Bay, which we visited, are featured in the movie "Crazy Rich Asians" which I had already seen but forgot that it was filmed mostly in Singapore. I then watched it on the plane on the way home (along with 3 other movies!), and it was so cool to see all the places we had just been in various scenes of the movie. Our first day we explored the hotel which is huge and attached to an amazing upscale mall. There are many high end shops as well as some restaurants and a great food court which was our first stop. We enjoyed tea and dessert at TWG Tea which is a brand established in Singapore. Then we headed to the 57th floor of the hotel where you find the rooftop festivities including an infinity pool, a couple of restaurants, a nightclub and an observation deck. The views are unbelievable and the pool stays open until 11pm, so we took advantage of that and enjoyed the amazing views at night as well.

And the nighttime views...perhaps even better!

Gardens at the Bay is a huge place near the hotel with all types of different experiences within it including amazing flowers, a waterfall and the "super trees" with a sky walk between them. A lovely but very hot afternoon. We then had an amazing sushi dinner and went to a night safari at the Singapore zoo.

Our last day was spent exploring the downtown area. It is truly beautiful. There is no litter and gorgeous buildings. There are some very cool places right along the water. The famous "MerLion" statue was another highlight.

Overall this was an incredible experience and we loved both Thailand and Singapore. Before going, I assumed it would be a once in a lifetime trip for me, but I would not hesitate to go back at some point in the future. I would return to Phuket and maybe visit Ko Samui as well. I do feel like there are many closer places with beautiful beaches, but I would still consider another trip to Thailand. I feel like there would not be a need to return to Bangkok. It was great to see all the palaces and temples, but otherwise as far as cities go, I would much rather return to Singapore. 

It was amazing to travel with my adult daughters and spend some quality time together before they move on to new exciting phases in their lives. In just over a week my older daughter will turn 22 and will be starting her first job as a television news producer soon after that. My younger daughter will turn 20 in early September while she is studying abroad for the semester in London.  Happy High School Graduation to my college junior!!☺️💗

My advice: Take the trips, go new places, explore the world, make the memories... live in the moment and take advantage of any time you can with your older kids...it will be more difficult to do as time goes on.

So let's get some answers to these questions! I think overall it is important for kids to have some sort of job at least once they get to high school even if it is only over the summer and even if it is only for a part of the summer. As kids enter this age group (or maybe even late elementary or middle school age), they are aware of what things cost and realize that "money doesn't grow on trees". However, I think they may not really have a true understanding of how quickly hard earned dollars get spent and may take it for granted. I don't mean this is a negative way necessarily, I just think it can be eye opening for them when it comes time to spend their own money on something that was previously bought for them. Now they have to equate all those hours doing whatever job it is to one concert ticket or that pair of the most popular new sneakers they have been dying to have. 💰=👟 They will start to look at things differently for sure...and that's a good thing.

1. Should my child get a job?   YES

I think it is important for kids to have jobs for many reasons. There will be several factors to consider as kids will have different abilities, home situations, school situations, extracurricular activities, available time and the list goes on. However, I think there is almost always a way to figure out a summer job or perhaps even something after school (in my opinion preferably not every day). It is still important for "kids to be kids', and I am not suggested that every minute of summer vacation or free time after school be spent trying to earn a buck. I am suggesting that they begin to look for opportunities, and see if it is possible to incorporate a job into their life in some way. It teaches time management, responsibility, and in many cases I think it is very satisfying for the kid to then be able to do or buy something with money that he or she earned. In some situations, it can also be extremely helpful for the household if he or she can make some spending money for "extra" things so that it is not always expected to come out of the household budget which, especially in today's world of out of control inflation, can be a little (or a lot ) tight.

2. At what age should my child get a job?  14-16ish

This is hard to answer definitively.  Of course certain jobs have an age requirement, such that you have to be certain age for it to be legal to be hired. This would include things such as retail, restaurant jobs, camp counselors, etc. There can be other opportunities such as babysitting, lawn mowing, dog walking, and other services along these lines that could potentially be done at a younger age. Kids can be industrious and put up flyers or see what's needed in their neighborhood. There are safe online resources for babysitters that I am aware of as both of my daughters used these to find jobs while they were in high school. Transportation is a consideration as well. If they need to be driven to work,  how does this impact the schedule of mom, dad or whomever will be the one to do this. Different opportunities arise once they are driving, assuming they have a car or at least a car they can use.  Side note...earning money on their own can be a great way to support having a car...pay for gas, small repairs, etc💰=🚗

3.  What kind of job should my child have?  Safe and something they don't hate 

This can be tricky. Of course safety is the most important thing. Especially the younger they are, we need to make sure they will be in a safe environment. If they are going to someone else's house to work such as babysitting or dog walking, depending on their age, you may be driving them so you can check it out in this way. If they are driving themselves, you should ask questions and make sure things seem reasonable. If there is any question, you need to investigate, Even if this is your 17 year old, you need to make sure he or she is safe. You need to make sure the hours are reasonable and that there is some flexibility. School is still the most important thing, so if this is an after school job and/or weekends during the school year, you need to make sure it is not distracting them from academics and other responsibilities at school. It would also be nice if they didn't hate it. Finding an ideal job at this age may be a far reach, but I think something they enjoy at least a little makes it better. Let's be real...many of us in our adult lives are doing less than the perfect job and don't love it every day...or maybe any day! However, I think now is the time to let them try something and understand that even if they don't love it, they will have taken on a responsibility and as a result of that,  they are bringing home some cash which they will undoubtedly be happy about. 💰-😊

4. What should I expect them to use the money for?  Depends on the household

This will vary a lot. For some, the ability for a high school age kid to start working will significantly help the overall household. This money could be added to monthly budgets and help with routine bills or perhaps be targeted just for what might be considered "extra" things the kid wants to do or have. In other households, there may be no true need for the kid to work, and anything he or she wants is easily paid for. Even in that instance, I think parameters can be set such that if there is something "above and beyond" that he or she wants, the money made can be set aside for this or it can be the spending money they have when they go out with friends. They may have gotten an allowance in the past, and perhaps this stops now in favor of them budgeting the money they make for their "fun stuff". 💰=🍿

5. Will this interfere with school or other activities?   Maybe, but I don't think it should

As I mentioned above, I think it is very important for a job, particularly if it's not just a summer job, not to interfere with your child's school schedule. There is already enough stress in high school with academics, sports, other activities, friends, and eventually college preparation as well.  Adding a job to this, if in fact there is time, can be reasonable, but if it becomes overwhelming, I think it should not continue unless the funds are critical for the household. In my opinion, an occasional type job (like babysitting or maybe a place where you only do one or two shifts a week) is preferable. Time management and organization skills can be tested with any type of job done during the school year, and those are certainly great things to work on as well. I think a summer job can be the way to go. That being said, summer is also a time for family vacations, camps, and some downtime. There can be a balance here as well. Many places cater to summer workers and realize that kids have other things going on. If there is some flexibility in the work schedule, that is ideal. Let's face it, they are still kids even as they near the end of high school, and they will be most likely working for many, many years to come. While I am in favor of learning the value of a dollar, and being responsible, I also think this is a time to enjoy and not feel the stress and financial burdens many of us face in adulthood. There is a balance in there somewhere. Everything is not always about the money, but having a little extra is not a bad thing! My daughters both worked some during their later high school years and have also had jobs on campus at college. I am very proud of them for this as well as  SO many other things as you would know if your follow our blog.😊

My advice...a job (in moderation) is a great thing for high school age kids...lead them in this direction and I think it will be satisfying for all!

TOP 5 DO's

1. Keep lines of communication open: This should be the case about any topic, but definitely about dating. Discuss it. Get a feel for your child's interest in possibly having a relationship. Do they have other friends already dating? Ask the questions even if you don't get the complete answers. Let your child know what your concerns are and make sure they feel free to talk to you about theirs.

2. Be flexible: Even if you went into these teen age years thinking my child won't be allowed to date until... fill in the age you feel is appropriate, perhaps you should also consider who your child meets and the impact this person has on him or her. It may be that a friend turns into more than a friend at an age you originally thought was too young. If the maturity is there and the dating is reasonable and safe, it may be okay. Remember in today's world, there are a lot of things that can go on without our knowledge, so we need to show flexibility early on and be open to scenarios we may have felt unsure about.

3. Keep them safe: In my opinion, online stuff at this age is just not appropriate. Meeting others of the same or very similar age in school or other events with kids in the same age group is okay. Meeting someone online is NOT okay.

4. Meet the boyfriend/girlfriend: If your child wants to begin dating someone, it is totally appropriate for you to meet him or her, and if it is a long lasting relationship, I would want to meet the other parents as well. 

5.  Embrace the idea:  Even if you feel like you are "losing" your child, you need to realize that he/she is growing up. Developing a relationship especially as they get further along in the high school years is very natural and normal. There is still such a thing as "high school sweethearts" who eventually get married. If your child is lucky enough to meet the perfect person at this age, embrace it and be happy for them.

TOP 5 DON'Ts

1. Forbid them to date:  I feel like being extreme about this or any other major parenting topic or decision at this age is sure to backfire. It will often lead to rebellion and conflict. Far better to have an open conversation about it and come up with a compromise, perhaps an age you feel is reasonable to start dating, but this shouldn't be a hard stop. If it is, they will just find ways around it and do it behind your back.

2. Be too judgemental:  You may or may not like the person your child chooses to date. As long as he or she does not exhibit worrisome or bad behavior, you need to just keep your mouth shut if he or she is simply 'not your cup of tea". If your child likes this other person, you need to give them the benefit of the doubt at least initially until that other person gives you cause for concern.

3.  Forget that teen pregnancy is a thing: I am all for giving kids freedom when they have the maturity level to show responsibility. If your child is dating in high school, be sure that even if you didn't have the "where babies come from" talk before now, they are well aware. Some will feel ready to experiment in this regard, while others may not. Either way, be sure they know how to prevent this and be open to providing resources if necessary. Way better than the alternative, in my opinion. 

4. Let them do whatever they want:  While I am largely in favor of empowering our kids to make decisions and show responsibility, it is because I  have been blessed with two daughters who are mature beyond their years and have a proven track record of making good decisions. Not all kids have these skills. Realize what guidance your child needs and set limits when appropriate. There is nothing wrong with saying no, having curfews, etc. Bottom line is while they are under your roof and under 18 ( or even 18 and a little older) they are your responsibility and it is important to have some boundaries for their safety.

5. Be close-minded about same sex relationships and gender identity:  I am not an expert here, and many of us may not be, but this can be a very sensitive thing in this age group and a very difficult thing for our kids to express. They may worry about acceptance among friends as well as us parents. We need to be a safe zone for our kids, and even if we had a different vision of what our child's future would look like, we need to put that aside and embrace the reality of what it is.

Best of luck navigating the high school dating scene! It is not easy, especially since there are so many other things going on during these years. Relationships may be super casual or more serious. It might just be all about the prom or homecoming dance, or maybe it's far more meaningful than that. There will be fun times and break-ups. There will be drama but also genuine young love. You will have to see what works for you as a parent during this time. Top priority is always to keep our kids safe, yet we can't hold on too tight or we will ultimately lose them. 

Four years ago we marched following Parkland. That was six years after the Sandy Hook massacre in Connecticut and now we have another. Well we have way more than just those three... if we take 288 and divide by 13 years from 2009-2022, that leaves us with an average of 22 school shootings per year. How has this country not done something to change this? How can we carry on as parents and send our kids to school with no fear. We can't. We have to prepare our kids as best we can and hope that the security measures in place will not fail them. But again I struggle to understand why our babies who should be worried about nothing more than learning, making friends and what they are going to play at recess, instead have to participate in active shooter drills in first grade!  We need to fix this!

Now we are faced with the tragedy at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, Texas. On May 24, 2022, an 18 year old entered this school and murdered 19 students and 2 teachers. These kids were 2 days away from the end of the school year. Undoubtedly they went to school that day happy, innocent 10 or 11 year olds excited about end of the school year activities and the upcoming summer break, never expecting it to be the last day of their short lives. As a mother, I have no idea how you go on after this. How can you possibly recover from the senseless death of your child in this way. It is bad enough that we can be faced with disease or accidents that can take our children from us too soon, but death by an assault rifle while attending fourth grade should not be another way to lose a child. My heart breaks for every family that is dealing with such inconceivable and preventable loss right now. This is not acceptable. We don't need to continue to offer thoughts and prayers after these tragedies happen, we need to institute policy and change so they stop happening.

I sincerely thought that after Sandy Hook, more would have changed. On December 14, 2012, a 20 year old walked in to this elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut and fatally shot 26 people including 20 children (all 6 or 7 years old) and 6 adult staff members with multiple firearms including an assault rifle. This was the deadliest school shooting to occur in this country. The massacre at Robb Elementary now ranks second. It's unbelievable that 10 years later we can experience nearly the same magnitude of tragedy. Why can these 18, 19 and 20 year olds be in possession of military-type weapons? These "kids" cannot purchase an alcoholic beverage, cannot book most hotel rooms and cannot rent a car, but they can purchase assault rifles and be left to do whatever they want with them? What is wrong with this system? Everything! Look at these faces. These kids would now be in high school, going to proms, thinking about college. Instead, their parents and families look at their photos and videos and try not to forget what it was like to spend time with these adorable humans who had their lives stolen for no reason. 

Get involved, be heard, address your local representatives, join or contribute to organizations like this. The parents of this nation are desperate for change and reform. Our children do not deserve this💔